Exclusive Insights: From My Heart to Yours

Donna Weston, Founder, and Executive Director

Winter 2018

FAQ: How do I deal with my child/student getting under my skin?

My boys always knew what button to press. As a matter of fact, they became experts in all of my buttons! Looking back, I think they knew my weak areas better than I did! Some button pushing was intentional – wanting to get out of doing what they did not want to do – and some was just being kids – thoughtless, impulsive words or behaviors. Whatever the motivation, I felt myself being pushed by negative emotions that I struggled to not take out on them! Add to the already complicated mix of parenting (and teaching), a child with various challenges – learning, medical, behavioral – and life and relationships become much more complicated.

As a parent, it was my responsibility to mold their behavior and character. As a teacher, it was my responsibility to mold their minds, grow their skills, excite their curiosity.

We all start this journey excited and hopeful; full of anticipation.

Then our children, our students, don’t respond as we imagined they would and we get discouraged.
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What is wrong with me…with them…?

Our frustration level rises as our expectations are not met.

Someone once told me that the worst thing anyone can do to others is not meet their expectations.

Some days…

…we feel like we are losing our minds!

So, how do we get our minds back?

1. Start with self-awareness – what exactly are those buttons?
2. Recognize my own responses. What am I feeling? What am I doing?
3. Admit where I am wrong and apologize when needed.
4. Determine why I get so frustrated, angry, disappointed, discouraged. This can be a daunting task and takes practice!
5. Process these thoughts and feelings and the consequent behaviors:
   • Talk to a friend. Having someone to talk through this with is a great blessing and sometimes it helps to have someone from the outside looking in.
   • Join a group, increase my skills: parenting group, Bible study, a topic-specific support group or self-help class.
   • Get professional counseling when the above is not enough. A counselor can guide me through this process so that I can have greater perspective and healthier responses. 
6. Balance authority with the relationship: authoritative vs. authoritarian – am I providing appropriate boundaries as well as - am I a safe place?
7. Don’t try to discipline/correct when angry – calm down first (both of you!). “I need some time to be alone, now.”
8. Come up with a plan for frequent scenarios.
9. Practice the plan, evaluate and readjust as needed.
10. At a point of potential conflict – stop going down the conditioned negative path and find something to focus on that you really like about them. Let them know what you see. Sincere praise can be a good diversion and can refocus a conversation onto more pleasant, meaningful exchanges.

I vividly remember when I started to recognize that a particular button was being pushed. One of my sons was a master arguer. If he wasn’t getting his way, he would push and push to try to wear me down. This brought up memories. As a teen I constantly argued with my mother. We were well known in our family for “butting heads”. I recognized that this pattern was being repeated. This son would get me so heated that I wanted to lash out at him. We invariably ended up shouting at each other and nothing was accomplished. We also ended up resenting each other. I hated getting sucked in!

Once I recognized this pattern, I came up with a plan. I needed to stop the argument from him as soon as I saw it brewing. I would say no, or not right now, and he would start in, “But Mom…!” I would allow him to state his reasoning, if his tone of voice was appropriate, but then if I still had the same decision and he started to push, I would tell him to “Give me 10” (pushups). Now, all of my boys were athletes and 10 pushups were nothing to them. The first time I had him do this he laughed at me and gave me the 10. I explained that the purpose of the pushups was not to punish, but to remind him to be respectful in his communication. It was a way to make him stop and think. If, when he got up, he was still communicating disrespectfully, I would have him give me another 10. If we got through 30 pushups and he still was not demonstrating self-control, I told him to separate himself from me until he could speak to me politely. Honestly, this took a while to work well, mostly because I had to see the button pushing coming! Over time, I was quicker to see it and calmer in my responses. In the process, he learned what was acceptable behavior and our relationship became far less volatile – a win-win.

So, what button do you want to work on?